Outpourings - "Letting go", chapter XI

...and they say I'm an artist...

porque os anjos nos rodeiam.

...foi então que ao atravessar oceanos, conheci que os anjos vagueiam no que vivemos. Promessas perdidas por entre os livros, de um azul lacrimado, caem-nos nas mãos como leves tropeções.
Olha para o sol e esquece-te. Leva os preconceitos ao mar e afoga-os, pois não os mereces!
Viver do que se precisa é fácil...basta existir! Viver do que se Quer?...apesar de sermos todos humanos...requer a essência de uma existência brilhante!

Dear diary

Dear Diary,

I live in Paradise, you see? I look out my bedroom window and palm trees greet me in the morning. The sun barely goes down. It's hot you know? Every morning I open my eyes and have difficulties remembering last night's troubles. But then it hits me, you see? and all the sun, and the blues and the yellows become grey. And what I think is, when I grow up, all the grey will stay away. That's it isn't it?

Remember...I once told you all my dreams were becoming real...all of them. Why should I be the one rewarded with such impossibility? Why, despite all the great protection He insists on spreading upon me, why do I still feel as a lonely soul? And that kills all the dreams...what are they for?

No...I'm not suffering from the same order. I'm not dying on the thought of my pain. I'm thinking that my life is wrong, you know? Even when all I can do is everything, being me covers all senses of happiness...because nothing seems good enough. Nothing...I'm...a beautiful bat wandering the night skies. Lonely as a star, seen by all, touched by no one. That's why I grieve, next to "the" ones who use my proximity.

And then I go back to my paradise, the one with the palm trees, where I can swim and get tanned, where I can play the younger games that make me feel like time stopped, but it didn't. And tears role down my soul...yes, as dark as it may sound, I still have one, covered with shadows, wounded by my own self inflicted pain.

My greedy desires kill all chances given to me. Yes, they do! Eve when a beautiful smile touches every inch of my skin, I find reasons for not letting it in. I invent moments, dreams, thoughts to scream out loud that I'm not ready for happiness, you see? Oh dear diary, if I could only make someone understand...but I can't.

Will I ever be able to smile again? Really, smile! Will someone ever be strong enough to hold on, despite all the insecurity? Despite all my broken bones, broken soul, broken heart? Are they really? I thought I was supposed to be strong...I thought I was. But when you get to the point of knowing you run away from all that makes you happy, to embrace what leaves you be. Expecting what lies ahead to conduct what lies right now...then why be strong? Why try harder when everything is a surprise?

I suffer from the disease of the free spirited, of the eternal dreamers. That's why I'm lonely, That's why I cry, before I laugh.

This is my paradise, my diary.